There is a curious social ritual that occurs whenever one is invited to dinner at someone else’s house. At a certain point in the evening, guests are expected to ask somewhat fervently, ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ Of course this question is never sincere, both parties understand this. The host will always say, No, no, it’s fine! and the guest will hover awkwardly for a moment before retreating to the sofa with their wine. It is a brief piece of theatre that I have decided, for reasons of honesty and efficiency, not to participate in.
Of course if I am a guest in your home I will not come with my arms swinging. There will be champagne and tiramisu gingerly handed over at the door but once I have crossed the threshold, I consider my duties complete. I will sit down, pour a drink and focus my energies on providing what I believe to be the most valuable contribution to any dinner party, excellent conversation.
The problem with offering to help is that it creates unnecessary complications. Once the question has been asked, the host must perform the polite refusal even if they secretly need assistance. Worse still, some hosts take the offer seriously and begin assigning tasks: chopping vegetables, buttering things, locating the cutlery. And before you know it you are elbow deep in washing up while everyone else is having a perfectly nice time in the other room. This seems deeply unfair.
I have also observed that many people who offer to help are, in fact, extremely bad at helping. They stand in the kitchen asking questions like “Where do you keep the knives?” while blocking access to the sink. At this point the host must not only cook the dinner but also manage a well meaning amateur. It is for this reason that I believe the most considerate guest is the one who stays firmly out of the way.
Of course, some people find this attitude shockingly rude. But I would argue the opposite, if you invite people into your home, you must allow them to enjoy themselves! Personally, I think the best guest is the one who sits down, pours another glass of wine and allows the host to conduct their evening in peace.
If I wanted to mix the gravy, I would have hosted dinner myself.
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